Okay, so I’m driving to San Diego (from Seattle) because that’s where I’m taking my vacation. I have already had about a million hiccups and snags along the way before leaving, which I won’t get into here because I ain’t got that kind of time right now. That post will be saved for when I am not melting and furious.
Anyways, I’m driving along making good time, when BAM. Huge boom sound beneath my car, and everything starts shaking. I swerve, flip my shit because it felt like my damn engine collapsed, and immediately begin to panic. I almost didn’t make it to the side of the road safely, so everybody thank the gods of Road Bullshit for that small miracle.
I reach the shoulder and turn the car off, wait a sec, then try to drive in the vain hope that will somehow work. Bumpiest ride in the universe, clunker city. So, I get out, take a look, and the rubber coating on my front tire is just GONE. Shredded and peeled so there’s nothing but metal strips left. It looked like some bullshit physics glitch from a video game, only it’s real and on my damn tire.
I call towing people, because I don’t know how to change a fucking tire. First people I call are rude and unhelpful because I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM. ALL I HAVE AROUND ME ARE CORN FIELDS. Seriously, it’s Corn as far as the eye can see, rolling, flat fields just baking under the sun.
So, I’m like, I have a spare. I’m a fucking adult grown ass feminist woman living in the goddamn now. I don’t need some uppity dude to change my tire, I’ll do it my goddamn self.
I googled instructions, and by god I changed that tire. The lug nuts were a bitch and a half, and I had to use ALL the strength gained from the last two months of lifting weights, but I got them off, got the spare on, and got the fuck on my way.
You guys, there is no sweeter moment of triumph than being a scared anxiety girl, lost in the middle of the California corn fields, who has just ignored her stroke of garbage luck and made her own fate. I felt invincible. I was on top of the world. I could do anything I wanted, with the limitless knowledge if the internet on my side I was UNSTOPPABLE.
It was glorious.
For exactly one minute and thirty seven seconds, after which point the spare tire ALSO exploded, shredded to pieces, and again left me stranded in the middle of You Want Some Fucking Corn Because You’re Gonna Be Here Awhile City.
Yeah, not my finest moment.
So I break down, panic, call my roommate in tears because I don’t know how to use corn to pinpoint my position and triangulate a towing person who isn’t a giant, leaking vagina-man.
She had a better connection, was able to locate me on google maps AND find the closest exit, which let me find a towing person that was kind and sympathetic and understood that all I had to describe my position was the physics-defying, endless field of corn, which laughed at my attempts to describe it. Sentient fucking evil bullshit Corn FUCK IT FOREVER.
Anyways, I’m waiting for the towing guy now and also I’m never eating corn again, but at least I know how to change a fucking tire and the goddamn boonies of California can never take that from me.
Update: I have arrived at the Motel that I am dubbing the 50/50 Murder Express. There’s like a 50 percent chance I will either be murdered or suffer some deadly disease from staying here. One of those is most definitely going to happen, so I’m excited to see how my luck plays out. Please ensure it is clearly noted on my gravestone if I die from dysentery.
But I saved three dollars per night, so, you know, priorities.
Also I’m sunburned to fuck, but only on the arm that was closest to the corn fields when I was waiting for the tire change. Corn clearly has nefarious purposes we have not previously been made aware of. If it can harness the power of the sun to target humans, it could already be too late to mobilize against them. Corn could be unstoppable.
I was supposed to get here at 9 pm. It is now almost 2 am. This means I have been up and driving for 23 hours and my god I’m going to dream of corn chasing me down the highway with the shredded intestines of my tires. Possibly wielding magnifying glasses to further barbecue my skin.
Y'all, at least I can say it hasn’t been a boring vacation. *gently sobs into a pillow that smells like cigarettes*
Update: I woke up with a massive leg cramp. I don’t know how the corn is doing this, but instinct tells me it is the only possible culprit.
Guys, what guards against corn? Wheat? Carrots? Should I start wearing asparagus around my neck?