Zom's Fool-Proof Guide to Making Friends

Zom's Fool-Proof Guide to Making Friends

The modern era can be a confusing place. You may, like I often do, find yourself sitting and wondering how it is that humanity does the whole human thing? How do people meet? How do they form relationships? How am conversations go?

For centuries, these mysteries have plagued our kind, but with the vastness of the internet now available to us, I have solved this riddle.

You there! Yes, you! With the bleary eyes before the blinking screen! Do you want to make friends? Many friends? TEN OR MORE WHOLE FRIENDS?

Then follow this fool-proof guide and you and me shall get there!

Step One: Locate Your Prospects

You’ll need to have a potential friend to start with, preferably of the human variety. This seems intimidating, perhaps impossible if you spend too much time considering the vast mathematical probabilities of the world and the insurmountable odds that anything should ever happen at all, as the odds would favor it not. Still, finding a potential friend is step one, however frightful it may seem.

Thankfully, the internet makes this a simple step. Merely find someone whose jib you find to have a pleasing cut, whose jive matches your own. Someone whose aesthetic makes your little heart go pitter-patter. Once you have located this human, please move on to step two.

Step Two: Meme Them

Get their number, their email, their Twitter, their Tumblr. Get a path towards communication whether this is before or after you have spoken to them. Don’t STALK them, mind you. If it isn’t readily available then you may have to wait, maybe find a different friend first. But once you have the ability to message them in a way that is welcome to them, it is time to begin.

Send them memes.

GENTLY. Slowly.  Not too many at once. Humans are attracted by bright colors and lights, but also, we are very scared of these things. If you do too many memes at once you will disorient your human and they will shy away, retreating to the darkness where it is calm and quiet. You must gently meme your human, giving them enough to attract their interest but not so much that they are overwhelmed and confused. Gently meme your human.

Step Three: Very Excite

At some point during the gentle meming process, your human will have their interest piqued. They will get very excited about a subject and begin replying, probably rapidly. Their message may lose proper grammar and be riddled with spelling errors, and it may become typed in predominantly capital letters. Do not be alarmed! This is normal. The human is allowing you to see their emotions about something, and in that you can see their passions. The Big Expression Time is an important part of the friendship process, and it is required for friendship to bloom in your human’s heart.

Even if you disagree with what they say (barring complications of a moral nature, of course), it is important to encourage the human’s fervor. Tell them that they have expressed themselves well. Tell them that they should consider writing it all up in a post or an article, or a fanfiction or a drawing. Tell them that the way they had their Big Expression Time was enjoyable to you. Make sure they feel like they did a good job with the expression, first and foremost. They must feel valid with their Big Feelings, even if it results in a rousing debate afterward, they must feel that it is safe to be Big and Loud and that it is not scary, for them or you.

Step Four: Space and Meme

Give the human as much space as they seem to need after this. Some humans will need much space, as emotions are big and scary and they are smol and like the quiet. Other humans will be so excited to have a Big Expression that they will want to do so more. Humans can be differing in how much or how little they enjoy such things, but if you are gentle and give them time then you will be rewarded.

Step Four: Meme Reciprocation

After the Big Expression Time, continue to gently meme your human. Keep progressing at this pace and repeating the steps as necessary. You will know that you have successfully calmed and befriended your human when they reciprocate your memes, allowing you the opportunity to have a Big Expression Time of your own. At this point, you have crossed the threshold, and you are now friends with this human!

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To be perfectly honest, I don’t know if this is fool-proof, but I was thinking about it, and it is basically how I’ve made every friend I’ve ever had. So, if you want to be friends with someone, gently meme them.

GENTLY.

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