Maximum Thrustitude

Maximum Thrustitude

A fanfiction inspired by the song "6969", written and performed by Ninja Sex Party.

"The record of the events that happened when the time criminals Danny Sexbang and Ninja Brian arrived in the year 6969."

Read the full work here.

Excerpt: 

He smiled, taking a step towards her. “So, Kitty -”

“Kristen.” She corrected him without thinking, an automated response that populated on her tongue without any input from her consciousness.

He didn’t seem to notice. “How’s it going?” his eyebrows rose as he spoke, moving in to stand even closer to her. His eyes were still intense, still trying to devour her with their power, his grin an overwhelming force that threatened to smash reality with its allure.

The absolute ludicrousness of the question, however, snapped her back to her faculties. She blinked at him, shaking her head to clear it of the fog that lingered there, her brow furrowing as she tried to make sense of him. “What?”

“You know, if you aren’t busy, we’ve got this spaceship/time machine, and -”

“Hang on. Wait.” She held up her hands, as though she could physically halt the conversation and ask it to stop being so confusing.

“I mean, if that’s not your speed we could always go back to your place.” There it was again, the hunger, the stars in his eyes glittering with intent she couldn’t identify.

“I…my place?” an image of the two men standing in her apartment flashed through her mind, the scene so insane that she had to bite her cheek to keep the hysterical laughter from bubbling out of her chest. “Who are you people?”

Danny chuckled, shaking his head with a patronizing smile across his lips. “Oh, Kassie, -”

“Kristen.”

“ - we’ve been over this. I’m Danny Sexbang, the greatest ninja in all of time and space. This is my partner, Ninja Brian. He is less great, but please be kind to him because he tries.” Brian shot Danny a look that was full of enough annoyance that it reminded her, hauntingly, of a swarm of furious bees, though he didn’t speak to object. “Also, he likes to watch, but it goes better if you don’t look him directly in the eye because then he gets kind of stabby.”

She couldn’t wrap her mind around half of the things that he had just said, so she decided to break them down to their singular components so that she could unravel some of her confusion. She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, frowning at him as she tried to force any of it to fit conventions that she might understand. “You…your name is Sexbang?”

“Yes.” He made the confirmation without the least bit of awareness at how peculiar it was.

“No, seriously, what’s your real name?” surnames were related to the fleet of surrogates from which an individual had been spawned. She had been assigned the name Braven because she had come from sector B, crop R, incubation room 4V3N. As far as she knew, there was no combination of rooms that could have led to the name Sexbang, particularly since it evoked the provocative undertones of the outlawed, more savage human activities to which society was no longer shackled to. At least, that was what the Council taught about such baser instincts.

Danny smiled, puffing out his chest and placing his hands on his hips. “Daniel Sexbang the First, bringer of orgasm and sexual prowess, slayer of King Edward the Unknown, genius inventor and scientist, Ninja Master Supreme.”

She pursed her lips, trying to decide if he was making fun of her or not. “Okay, then. What about his name?” she jerked her thumb towards the other one, placing a hand on her hip in the hopes that she could balance herself against the vexation threading through her veins.

“Ninja Brian.”

“His name is Ninja Brian? Or he is a ninja named Brian?”

Danny nodded. “Yes.”

“I…” she blinked, confused and irritated in equal measure. “No, what’s his name?”

“Ninja Brian.”

“Which is it?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Is his name Ninja, or Brian?”

“I already told you, yes. Wow, you’re really bad at listening.”

She pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a headache build in the center of her skull. “So his given name, assigned at birth, was Ninja? Or is that his title, and his name is Brian?”

“Yes.”

She sighed, clenching her fist as she was overcome with the sudden urge to shake this man until he started making sense. She let the moment pass, waiting until she was sure that she could speak calmly before moving on with the thus far unsuccessful interrogation. “Okay, let’s try a different question. Where are you from?”

“I came from the past, in my sexy spaceship/time machine, and it’s my destiny to release your world from the hideous, sexless nightmare you’re trapped in.”

She blinked, her mouth falling open. She recognized all of the words that he had used, but when strung together in such a manner, they didn’t seem to make sense. She looked at Brian, who seemed as frustrated with Danny as she was, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. “You’re from the past?” the other man nodded, solemn and sincere, and she found the answer more reliable coming from him. “And you’re here to…to what?”

“To bring sexy back, baby.” Danny provided the information, inching closer to her so that she felt like the heat radiating from his skin was sinking through her sweater.

She choked on the air in her throat as she realized what he meant, a deep sense of panic settling over her like a wet, rubbery shroud. “’Sexy’? Do you mean copulation? Intercourse?!”

“Oh my god,” Danny looked incensed, his nostrils flaring as he raised a trembling fist, “are euphemisms illegal too? Are you only allowed to talk about it in the least sexy ways possible? This is the darkest fucking time line and I hate it.”

“I…” she felt her cheeks heating up, the burning sense of embarrassment rushing down her neck and spine. “No, I am familiar with many slang terms that were commonly used in outdated vernacular.”

He dropped his fist, relaxing into the same smiling charmer that he had been moments before. “Good, because if you use the word ‘copulation’ again I might get negative boners.”

The mathematical part of her demanded an explanation as to how there could exist such a quantity as ‘negative boners’, but she resolutely refused to pursue such a line of questioning. “Okay, so you’re here to…have sex? To bring sex to the future? I’m not sure I’m understanding your plan.”

“Plan?” he tilted his head to the side, as though the word were foreign and inexplicable. A second later he brightened, beaming like the sun had always lived in his eyes. “Oh, that’s a good idea. Hey, Brian, what’s our plan?”

“You…okay, let me get this straight.” She struggled to keep the frenetic anger out of her voice, her patience stretched so thin that it was a frayed violin string clinging to a rusty fret. “You are from the past, and you came to the future to bring us sex, but you didn’t already have a plan? Look, if you’re lying to me, I swear I’ll -”

“No! Baby, I would never lie to you!” he looked genuinely offended that she would suggest such a thing, which she found all the more perplexing. He spoke in such strange ways, making such outlandish declarations, but still…

Against all reason, against all common sense, she found that she believed him. She shouldn’t. Logic would indicate that everything that he was saying was a lie, the story so full of holes and inconsistencies that it could not possibly be factual. He had given her names that were impossible and stood before her without a plan but an intention to commit the highest level of crime. Her mind told her that it was nonsense, but there were parts of her that knew otherwise. Parts that were oft ignored, forced into dormancy as she refused to give them voice. Parts of her that spoke that strange language in the depths of his gaze that made her blood feel like fizzing champagne. Her instincts told her that he was being honest, that his story was true.

Kristen believed them. Every word of it.

She looked at Danny, trying to find the words to express her belief as well as her confusion, wishing that she had the vocabulary to explain everything she felt when he looked at her, but she was robbed of the chance. As she gazed at him, he was bathed in a flickering green light, a beam emanating from their left scanning him from the top of his head and following through to his feet. They turned as one to see a robot hovering next to them, its engines spinning quietly enough that they had not noticed its approach. The Immunobot had an ovoid body, with a rounded circle at the apex to serve as its algorithmic processor. The neon scanner, emitted from the small square screen around what approximated its neck, finished its investigation of Danny, then moved on to Brian and Kristen. When it had completed this, a series of beeps thrummed in its chassis. A moment later, two blaring tones rattled from its speakers in tandem with the flash of a small, red light. After this, a green light blinked on and off as a pleasant chime echoed around them.

“Three individuals cataloged. Identity: unknown, negative for inoculation on preliminary scans. Identity: unknown, negative for inoculation on preliminary scans. Identity: Kristen Braven. Inoculation received on March 17th, 6955, positive for continued immunity.” The Immunobot’s fans kicked on, whirring as it brought itself closer to the three of them, positioned just in front of the ninjas.

Danny giggled breathlessly, looking at Brian with a look of undiluted glee on his face. “It’s so cute. Hello, little robot friend.”

“Identity?”

“Don’t -”

“I’m Danny Sexbang.”

She sighed, wondering if it would have even done any good to warn them not to identify themselves. If the robots had to search their databases for possible matches it could have bought them more time. She didn’t know what she could have done, but at least she would have had additional precious seconds to run through the possibilities.

“Unrecorded identity detected. Please remain still.” The Immunobot opened a compartment on its chassis, a small wand shooting out of it with lightning speed. At the tip of the wand was a syringe, which was thrust into Danny’s chest and compressed before he had even blinked.

“Hey - ow!” he lifted his hand, moving to rip the robotic appendage away, but his own limb never got that far. His eyes lost their focus, some of the life and light that she was so drawn to fading from them. He blinked once, then slumped to the floor, his long legs tangling with one another at an awkward angle. “Hey, my face feels like its full of unicorn kisses. Brian, is Karla a unicorn?”

“Kristen.” She mumbled, wringing her hands together as she stepped towards Brian. The Immunobot did the same, faster than she was, hovering in front of the stoic ninja.

“Identity?”

***

[Analyzing…

…]

[This Computer can provide additional insight into this portion of the record. Would you like to review the detailed sequence of events?]

 

[Y/N?]

 

[Input accepted. Retrieving data…

…]

 

[This Computer has retrieved the data file from Immunobot 80085-R-5QU15HY. The records from the robot have provided details which those present were unable or unlikely to have perceived. This Computer has separated the details from the code, and summarized it below. Please be aware that the sequence of events involved the individual later identified as one Ninja Brian, and thus the file has been updated to reveal this identity after the fact.]

 

[2:42:10.72 pm - Identity requested.

2:42:10.73 pm - Individual {Ninja Brian} produces a knife of unknown origin. Composition: 30% steel, 70% unidentified metal. Source unknown.

2:42:10.75 pm - Individual {Ninja Brian} lodges knife in unit 80085-R-5QU15HY. Damage received to base cooling systems, temperature increase in housing of 69.4 degrees occurs. Supplementary cooling systems activated. Temperature will become detrimental to function in 10.94 degrees.

2:42:10.77 pm - Individual {Ninja Brian} produces additional knife. Evasive maneuvers initiated.

2:42:10.80 pm - Knife lodged into external scanner. Testing function…failure of all function for retinal recognition, failure of all function for blood type identification, failure of all photographic capabilities. Repair impossible, rerouting power distribution to avoid redundancy until maintenance can be completed.

2:42:10.81 pm - Unit 80085-R-5QU15HY deploying projectile sedatives.

2:42:10.82 pm - Target {Ninja Brian} hit.

2:42:10.83 pm - Individual {Ninja Brian} produces three additional knives. Unit 80085-R-5QU15HY is struck with all three. Catastrophic damage done to system. Signaling 192.168.1.1 to notify.

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Put Them Back in Poetry

A Hundred Years in the Making

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